If I drunk email my day-at-a-time boy and he answers very soon in a hopeful way, it’s good, right? Even if I know it’s all just an email that is pretty much meaningless, right?
If I meet the guy that Upset Waitress is sure is the one for me, and he seems great, and even if I like him a lot but still go home and cry the night away after I met him on what is, after all, Valentine’s Day–I’m not a freak, right?
If I totally ditched the guy who won’t ever accept the idea of my being simply a friend, and it’s Valentine’s Day, but he is waiting for me as he sits with a girl whom he adores more than he does me, although he will never admit it even if she is married and only “a friend,” does that make me the really, really bad girl friend? If so it’s okay, right?
If I am just me, and I just wanted to get through a day as symbolic and horrific as Valentines Day and I almost did until I received an email from a very dear friend whom I miss so much, and somehow his text made me cry harder, I am still okay, right?
If I met the man tonight who may be the man of my future dreams, and I hear from my Day-at-a-Time boy on the same night and I am sadly happy for that, and then I ditch another boy whom I was supposed to meet to for dinner, and I hear from my guy friend who has stood by me since last May, and it all makes me sob and sob and sob, I’m still okay, right?
Upset Waitress, you think you know me. You think my ups and downs never really include the absolute down times of the downs that I know very well. And while nothing these days makes me cross over to that dark side I nevertheless seem to feel tonight, going there for this moment will never take away from the bright side I feel so many more days than not these days, right?
In the end, I am no longer so sad despite my sadness tonight. I am no longer sobbing all the time. I live in paradise. I get that. I do.
But sometimes, some days–say this day–you have to regress a little, or maybe a lot, and allow yourself the tidal wave of tears until you are done with that. Until you can again remember that you are, actually, okay, right?
God, I sometimes detest being human.
Comments
15 responses to “All is Always Good, Right?”
Sounds absolutely alright – very human, and by default even necessary maybe.
Hugs to you RG! 🙂
We’ve all been there RG. Being human can be as great as it can be terrible. You seem like a wonderful person. Very smart, pretty, and funny too. I hope you will take it as a constructive comment from someone who has been there too, but sometimes it just seems as if you are letting your life be too run by men instead of just living as you want to. Even after you always say that you are “done with boys” for a while or for good, it just seems that only a few days later, it is all back to the same thing, different place.
I also think you are being far too nice a person regarding some of these men. I know that you are a nice person with a big heart, but sometimes I read these things you write and just can’t help but feel that maybe sometimes you are too nice and letting people (particularly men) walk on you.
I really hope you find happiness. I think you may find it inside yourself and has been all along rather than within the next latest greatest boy. ‘Til then, hope you guard your heart and stay strong. It isn’t my place to say this and you have moved around so much lately, but perhaps you may be better off living in a place where you have a better base of support than Florida. It just seems like alot of people you have met there have betrayed you or let you down and you have been through alot and having stable people that you can trust around you might make it better until you regain your ground. Just a thought.
Happy Valentine’s Day, R.G.:
I think a lot of this you’re feeling is the Writer part of you developing. It’s natural and healthy to explore…compare …feel. If you guard your heart too much, then it’ll block the experiences “the writer” part needs to get into. Hope you know what I mean, just wanted to tell you that I think you’re not a magnet for bad experiences or men. Keep the heart open! L.
Bingo!!!
You are you, not anyone else. So that’s all right 🙂
And I thought I was crazy RG. Anyway, I want Laurie to do me next. Do me do me it’s my turn.
Jenni–Yes, it probably was necessary to crash a bit. Something about Valentine’s Day, you know?
Laurie–I mean no disrespect, and I appreciate your thoughts and opinions. But I think you may have missed the point of my post. Men/boys do not run my life. Yes, I had some bad friends in Fort Lauderdale. Yes, I had hurtful relationships with men there. I have really terrific friends here, and absolutely no boyfriends are on the horizon by choice–mine. My sadness was jump started by the romantic symbolism surrounding Valentine’s Day, and it all just felt a little crazy, so I wrote about it. You may think I need to move out of Florida because I am doing the “same thing, different place.” Personally, I think it is time for me to stay put for a while and deal with my life as it is–in the happy, peaceful, sad, and turbulent times that are the realities of everyone’s life. The point of the post, you see, is that it’s okay. I am okay.
L.–Thanks and you make an interesting point. I know I feel like writing a lot more here than I did in Fort Lauderdale. Hopefully, it will continue to improve.
mikepete–Okay then!
Kim–I’ll concur and reach across the pond to hug you.
Upset Waitress–You are crazy. So am I. Who isn’t. As for getting advice for your own craziness, please look beyond this blog!
You’re ok. It could be entirely possible that you’re only self-punishing because you may not feel as though you have the right to be ok Hmmm…. Recognize it for what it is. You’re more than ok. Really. But nothing is ever linear. How can resist loving the highs when we don’t know the lows?
sorry, i mean to write “how can we resist..”. (fingers faster than brain…)
Namaste–I do have a tough time being “okay.” Life has proven too many times that the “other shoe” is usually poised to make an appearance. Down here, life is simpler. But people are people and they can trigger all kinds of emotions. The way I see it, I am more than okay, and I now have to fight off the dread that I won’t be okay again. Valentine’s Day, however, is simply not a good day for me.
Yes RG, your fine. We ALL need a “cry” day every now and then. At least you now what direction to go (nowhere to go but UP).
blewknight–I know. I just hate being blindsided by a “cry” when all is really going quite well for me here. That two steps forward, one back feeling.
Well at least your still going forward. Things are looking up.
Yes, you are okay.
You sound like my girlfriend.. bat shit crazy twice a month, only to be better every day after.. its ok.. let the emotions flow.. You’ll be better afterwards..
psssssst.. guys do it also.. you just don’t hear about it.. 🙂
Rock Chalk!