Booty Called

Posted on Saturday 17 May 2008

“I’m here to pick up a prescription,” I told the pharmacist–a quintessential SoFla guy if I ever saw one. Tanned. Gold chain. Dark curly hair combed just so with gel. Handsome to somebody.

“Over there,” he said, pointing to a register attended by a petit young woman wearing sparkly Dolce & Gabbana-inscribed readers and silver hoop earrings the size of small saucers. Then he leaned on the counter and watched me walk over to her. Nice.

“I’m here to pick up a prescription,” I told the D&G girl.

“Name?” she smiled, adjusting the readers.

After much back and forth, and “I don’t see it,” and “You aren’t even in our system,” she located it.

“Here it is,” she said, waving a bag that she found at the register where the pharmacist was still leaning, watching. She looked at the label again as she walked toward me. “Yeah, your birth control, right?” she said in a loud, pretend whisper and then winked.

Are you f—ing kidding?

“Uh…”

“Yeah right here. Got it!” she said sort of swinging the bag around.

If there is a God, I thought, I will be immediately swallowed up into a sink hole that will now form in the middle of this chain pharmacy and take me to the underworld beneath Federal Highway.

Of course, I had to turn around and glance at the line of two men and one woman behind me. Oh, you could just hear them thinking. Her PILL!

“It’s not birth control!” I hissed at her. “Just hormones, to help settle everything down. You know, get it all back on track.”

And I felt a need to explain this, why? And even then, what the hell was I saying?

“Yeah, so all good, right?”

Kill me. Dead. Yesterday.

The guy in back of me shuffled his feet and shifted his purchases that included innocent things like laundry detergent, sunscreen and a bag of chips. Oh shut up! I thought in response to the thoughts he was surely thinking.

“Sure. Whatever,” I mumbled to the clerk. “How much do I owe you?” I asked her, now just needing to get the hell out of there.

“Steve, we don’t have enough of her pills to fill the three months that her doctor called in. Should I just give her these and we’ll sell her everything on Monday?”

The tanned pharmacist looked at me, giving me a quick once over.

Again I ask, are you f—ing kidding?

“Come back Monday and pay for it then, but take the one month supply with you, now,” he said. “Just don’t forget to come back Monday,” he said, staring a second longer.

Yeah, baby. You workin’ Monday?

Please.

I grabbed the bag with my one-month supply of BIRTH CONTROL PILLS and left.

An hour later, the boy texted:

“I can’t live without you. I’m dying to feel you at nite! Sweat is drippin’ down my body. I want u. I need u.”

Oh, well, my goodness. And then I kept reading.

“Come on u fucking air conditioner. WORK!”

My first booty call.

πŸ˜‰

16 Comments for 'Booty Called'

  1.  
    May 17, 2008 | 8:31 pm
     

    β€œCome on u fucking air conditioner. WORK!” — that is really cute! Nice sense of humor, this boy.

    I’m such a serious person, my immediate response to the pharmacy girl is to report her for privacy violations. What a twit.

  2.  
    Julie
    May 17, 2008 | 8:46 pm
     

    Too cute. A/C is important in SoFlo, but definitely not necessary in Chicago, yet.

    As for the idiots at the pharmacy… I can’t believe that people feel like they can act like that, especially about something that is supposed to be confidential. I hope the pills that you’re taking don’t cause hot flashes like my last round of hormones did.

  3.  
    Ceesquared
    May 17, 2008 | 9:47 pm
     

    I’m a long time reader; first time commenting. That was a laugh out loud posting. However, those idiots at the pharmacy should know better. I believe what they did was a violation of the HIPAA Privacy Act. I’d file a complaint and transfer my prescription to another pharmacy.

  4.  
    Restaurant Gal
    May 17, 2008 | 10:45 pm
     

    Zazzie, Julie, Ceesquared–Actually, it was all kinda funny. No reporting anyone, no up in arms over it. It was just ridiculous, South Florida funny.

  5.  
    m
    May 17, 2008 | 11:01 pm
     

    It’s most certainly a HIPAA violation. If she was so free with the details of your prescription and the pharmacist did not react, I suspect that it’s standard practice there. You’d be doing not only yourself, but other patients a favor in reporting it.
    The a/c text is fantastic.

  6.  
    May 17, 2008 | 11:12 pm
     

    How typically SoFla. Needling their way into your personal life while keeping you at arm’s length. Acting friendly and then ridiculing you in the same breath. They should all be forced out of Paradise like Adam and Eve so that nice people like us can enjoy it and appreciate it, for they surely don’t.

    By the way, so nice to read a funny post from you. I’ve missed it. *Insert pithy hormone joke here* πŸ™‚

  7.  
    sarah
    May 18, 2008 | 4:04 am
     

    seriously, RG, those people should be reported. you may not care, but the easygoingness of customers isn’t a part of HIPAA – what they did was illegal. i could care less if people know that i’m picking up the pill, but i would still be majorly upset if that happened to me. i expect my medical record to be kept completely private, unless i feel like sharing, and i’m entitled to that right. you should report this incident – they won’t change until people start saying something. i think the mention of the gold chain pissed me off even more – i can just picture him. ugh.

    love the text. clever boy! also love your blog. it’s such a comfort to read about someone else’s struggles and triumphs.

  8.  
    May 18, 2008 | 5:06 am
     

    Handsome to somebody – what a beautiful line πŸ™‚

  9.  
    May 18, 2008 | 9:23 am
     

    Sorry, gotta be a brat here:
    You work in the restaurant business. If the front of the house does not tell the back when food is coming out wrong, the back of the house can’t fix it.
    What if this airhead pharmacist assistant/clerk pulls this same routine when some one is picking up their AIDS meds, or Herpes meds?
    Tell some one at the store about the lapse in HIPPA protocols so some else, with out a sense of humor, does not get hurt.
    I am a health care professional and have to take the HIPPA thing so seriously.
    Do what you will, but if no one knows there is a problem, it can not get fixed.

    I truly enjoy your blog and am glad you have decided, for now, to keep writing.

  10.  
    L.
    May 18, 2008 | 5:38 pm
     

    I thought it was very funny, well written and extremely witty. You are are a good storyteller.

  11.  
    Nick
    May 19, 2008 | 10:49 am
     

    I work in pharmaceuticals for an ED drug. To me – I think nothing about talking about p*nis issues or about things that might be considered weird. Women take birth control – so what. Women need tampons, so what. It is our body – it is not some weird fetish that you have. We make such a big deal about normal bodily functions. Pretty stupid waste of everyone’s time if you ask me.

  12.  
    Christine in LA
    May 19, 2008 | 11:42 am
     

    I agree with Kim up above- Handsome to somebody is so beautifully simple while telling you exactly what you need to know. Very cool line.

  13.  
    retired restuarant manager
    May 19, 2008 | 4:05 pm
     

    air conditioner…..too funny! I think I will fire that one off to my lady…LOL!

  14.  
    May 20, 2008 | 11:35 pm
     

    (catching up with you here, forgive my tardiness, sugar! )

    that was hilarious! and so regionally accurate..everybody knows everybody’s business.

  15.  
    May 23, 2008 | 10:56 am
     

    I thought it was funny. Sounds like your boy and mine would get along. That text could be something that mine would send.

  16.  
    Lisa
    June 10, 2008 | 10:39 am
     

    Hi – i recently received the same text – “i want you. I need you….” where is it from? a movie? a song? thanks.

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