I have put off telling all but a few close, close friends about my impending move. I don’t have the energy nor the inclination to explain something I can barely explain myself.
Then I posted the news on my blog. Then I figured I better tell my once close but now distant friends what was up, in case they still read my blog, which I doubt they do.
I have compiled a short list of sentiments to never say to a friend who is making such a drastic change in her life, and those sentiments that are absolutely perfect to share with her.
Friend A: “I mean this is the time of you life when you are supposed to be happy. So go for it.” Thank you. “We are happier now than we have ever been–with our jobs, our money, time to travel and be with each other.” Um, shut up.
Friend B: “It’s weird, so many people split up after their kids move away.” My kids are the loves of both our lives. What exactly are you saying?
Friend C: “What??? Why? You seemed so happy? This is NOT an email conversation. We HAVE to get together before you leave! Except I leave for vacation next week. But just name the time and place before that, and I’m there.” So I do. No response.
Friend D: “I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I get so frustrated with my husband. But I get past it, you know? And then it’s so great. But, uh, is there another man?” You have no clue AT ALL how I feel. This is not about frustration. And are you kidding?
Co-workers A & B: “What? You are leaving us? For another job?” Well, not really, but I do have another job. “So, did your husband get another job away from here?” Well, actually, I am moving away on my own. “What? Ah, man, all this time, you mean we could have been hitting on you?” I love you guys. I will miss you.
Comments
19 responses to “What Not to Say, What to Say”
Aren’t co-workers the greatest! I’m glad to see you are moving forward with your life. If you need anything, let us know. Between all of us, we can probably find you anything across the US.
ha, co-workers make me laugh.
I think people just don’t know what to say, but think they have to say something and hence, say the wrong thing.
Awww, man. Just as I was agonizing and being in shock at your latest news, my world crashed in and I’m moving!! (Not a man issue). Do you need a roommate? 😉
Hey RG, you spread cheer and good service everywhere you go. You are tough as nails, and smarter than almost anyone I know. While no luck is necessary, you still have my profound best wishes for a future filled with satisfied happiness.
And…your blog still rocks! 🙂
The co-worker comment cracks me up!
I usually say “If you need anything you know where to find me. Until you’re ready to talk I’m not going to bring it up, if you need a wine night, I’m your girl.” It seems to work the best.
Funny how sometimes those who know the least about us are the only ones who really get it. To the others I say Pffffffttttt!!! 😉
Sounds like your friends haven’t gone through a split with their spouses. I got the “I knew it would happen sooner or later” from my dad (who should have known better since my parents divorced).
Most of my friends asked why, which is a question that’s difficult to answer — there are so many things and nothing really seems significant on its own.
My brother got it, though. He said, “I’m so sorry. Let me know what I can do.” He couldn’t do anything, but it was nice to know that I had someone in my corner if I needed it.
RG, as you can see from the comments, you have a lot of people in your corner if you need it. Just let us know what to do from wherever we are.
to me, the reason the co-worker’s response is the one “we blogers” are all chuckeling at is that well, yeah – it’s inappropriate but because they aren’t vested in your life they don’t they aren’t trying to tell you what to do or how to feel… they just accept what is happening
and that is what you need… which is kind of where i was comming from in my comment about lonely/alone the other day…
it is kind of what i have been going through w/ my impending move too – no, it is NOT the same situation in ANY WAY SHAPE or FORM as you… but it is how people are resposnding to me when they find out i am moving.. everyone else thinks they know what i should do, why i should do it, or how i should do it
i just want my frinds to be my friend – yes, i want to spend time w/ them before i go – but not with conditions… i don’t want them to give me advice… if they have questions, yeah – ask… but don’t then tell me if they think i am wrong (especially since most of them have never left this hell hole town) – just wish me luck
(hug) and good luck – and if you need a shoulder, you now how to e-mail us
I continue to be amazed at your writing. Finding humor now is important. I am glad you are “staying with us” for now and hope that you know that we will always be here with you.
It’s funny, (in a haha way, not funny strange although it is a little strange to say…) that in some way from reading your blog, I feel like I know you well enough to tell you that it sounds like your in a good place mentally and that you’ve really got it together.
And, isn’t it funny (funny sad this time) that it’s the people that you think are your friends are the ones who let you down, and the ones that you never really thought of as such are the ones that will actually miss you and think of you fondly.
Anyway, I wish you all the best. 🙂
A perfectly timed entry – just as I was thinking about something incredibly intelligent and at the same time sensitive to write on your last ….
The only thing which I know for absolutely sure: Your blog will always rock.
Everything else in life is bound to change and that’s why it can be terribly painful and exhausting at times …. and then there’s the Change Law.
I am really sad to hear this news. Statistics have proven that divorce causes more pain (not only to those 2 parties divorcing) than having someone close to you die. It has a ripple affect on everyone who knows you.and loves you…..your children, your families and your friends. Most of all: The Lord God Almighty says, “I hate divorce!” (Malachi 2:16)
I’m not here to judge you . . . only God can judge . . . but I am praying that you and Mr. RG will do everything possible to try and make this work. With God, all things are possible.
I’d have to add the comment from Chris to the list of unhelpful reactions…
What ever is going on, my best wishes to you. Thank you for the lovely gifts of your writing. In the moments (and there are many) that I wonder what I’m going to do to fill empty moments in between killer semester, college age kids moving out, the dumb “just for now” job .. and eventually I come to visit in your little corner of the world. I will be more than delighted to continue to read what you write come storm or sunshine.
L.
I agree with most of these comments: My own Wonderful Friend, RG, has some crazy folks at work who “get it” – whether they are invested in her life or not; but that little bit of humor is what gets us through these kinds of days. And Chris, i will remind you that never once did we read the word “divorce” here…some folks just need a little space for a while…sometimes it is the healthiest thing we can do for our relationships to be stronger…!
Suz, Julie and Question Girl: i hope your own life-changing experiences have all been positive in the end; if not so far, i’m sure they will yield something positive in the very near future – they always do!
And Katie – you sound like the kind of friend we all need at one point or another!! 🙂
RG, I’m a long-time reader, and just got over last week’s surprise of realizing you live not that far away from me.
And now this news.
I’m sorry that things have come to this, but balancing my sadness is a feeling of excitement for you. No matter what you choose to write about, I know I’ll look forward to reading it.
L. said it perfectly: thank you for the gift of your writing.
Please let your readers know if there is any way we can help. We’re here. Just holler.
My best wishes to you and your family.
PWillow
In my experience, people, including me, are going to say the wrong things some of the time. The thing to remember is that they probably meant to say the right thing.
Best of luck to you and yours. May you find whatever comforts you and makes you stronger.
Sad to hear, not gonna lie. You know me Gal, honest until the end.
I won’t pretend to know why, how and all that. That’s your business. I’ll just be hoping, praying and keeping you in my thoughts. You know where I am if you need me. In fact, if you ever pass through Colorado again, Dinner/Lunch/Breakfast is on me. You’re a great Gal and I’ve enjoyed your writing to the fullest. Someday you need to come back on to the radio show…:)
I’ll keep hanging out just outside the door, listening to your meaningful tales of life with a small smile on my face.
I said nothing when I first read the news, precisely because I have no idea what to say to a woman who touches me almost daily through her words, but that I know nothing of behind the screen.
What I do know is that everyone runs into crap like this in their lives, and people are oh so quick to slap platitudes at you, or blow sunshine your way, when they have NO IDEA what brought you to where you are. Unfortunately, those things tend to come from those you felt understood you the best. They seem to feel some pressure to *say* or *do* something to make it all better, when only time and your own hard work on it can do so.
So for me, I simply wish you all the best there is, and I know that you will make something wonderful out of this enormous life change. Many blessings to you, RG.
People mean well, whether it seems so or not. The other thing is that sometimes people just don’t know what to say. I know (from myself) that sometimes what comes out of your mouth, or email, comes out completely wrong from what you really mean.
At least you don’t take it personally 🙂